Tuesday, 4 February 2014

My [Secret] Life Online

So I was featured on Vice, in their show ‘My Life Online’.

What went down:

I was interviewed on a fetish author's blog called My Other Self a while ago. A film making company, Walking Fish Productions (WFP), contacted me saying they had found it and were interested in making a series of short documentaries on unusual practices in Melbourne, that the mainstream would not have heard about. A man who collects Magic Lanterns, for example. Did you know that magic lanterns were the first type of projection device that predates film? They were used in the 17th century, but now are extremely rare collectibles. The balloon fetish (or 'looners') was another idea. 

Anyway, WFP were awesome. They did their homework. Before filming I had a chance to just have a chat about the fetish and the potential doco. I mentioned previous features on looners and the community response as well as the featured person's response. I'm also personally interested in how documentaries are made, so I got some perspective on that. I was not sure I should actually participate, but YOLO! I said I would do it. We set a date for filming, and that was that!

During the filming process, I was prompted with questions, and I answered them such that it didn't sound like I was being interviewed, as they planned to edit what I spoke about together - and that they did. I gave them friends access to my facebook, so they chose clips from there to include.

Disclaimer: It might be a bit 'uh duh' but I'll put it out there - this is not my documentary, I had no creative input, I did not chose what content was included, etc etc. But on the other hand, beyond the prompts, whatever I said was whatever I said, no script, no nothing. It goes into my brain and straight out my mouth. This was beneficial in that my answered seem more authentic, but on the downside, it also meant thoughts were less articulated than I would have liked. I did say things I normally would keep to myself, because of the lack of pre-thinking, so hopefully that won't bite me in the arse.

My Response:

It’s actually a little surreal, watching a video about yourself, made by another person, done all pro.

I’m glad to add to the documentaries already available about the balloon fetish. My aim with this was to educate people on fetishes, to try and explain what it’s like for me (as I can only truly speak for myself) and a bit about what it might be like for others. I spent ages talking about all sorts of stuff, and as it was so long ago, I can't remember exactly what about. There were questions about my online videos, what type of comments I get, who watches them, how many views, etc.

I mention this mainly because I feel a bit weird talking about how many views and friends I have, considering the series is called ‘my life online’, like I think I am ‘internet famous’ with 800 facebook friends. I was directly asked how many facebook friends I had. This video was originally going to be part of a series about unusual things happening in Melbourne, but it fit in with Vice’s series I guess. I am not interested in promoting myself, per se. However Vice can do what they like. If they consider me a 'superstar' than so be it.

I saw the final version of the feature, in which they referred to the activity as 'masturbating with balloons' which made me feel a little uncomfortable. The videos, to a non fetishist, should appear sexually suggestive at most. Cleavage top, etc (Lol, I can't believe I actually said that!). I do usually finish myself off by hand, but that doesn't go online. I do not want to attract any extra sexual attention from non fetishists where it can be helped. Academic interest? I'm an open book! I asked for this to be changed, and they honoured that request which was awesome.

Now the porn superstar bit. I did not see this title until live, and it is probably the most embarrassing part of the whole video.

Porn. Now, I am not going to deny that these videos are sexual. Indeed, I started filming myself to get a different perspective on the balloon and of course, bright idea, lets put some of these online! What will looners say about it?! OMG hehehe YOLO. The thrill of putting a 'sex tape' online for the world to see how much pleasure (sexual or not) I get from a mere object. This taboo thing, attraction to an object, not only an object, but destroying the object, is so fucked up in society's standards. Yeah, I know, it is innocuous. But the world is struggling merely with non heterosexual relations, multiple partners and casual sex let alone this fetish stuff! Sure, it does not hurt anyone, but it's just plain weird. Anyway, I digress. The videos should not be considered 'porn' outside of the fetish (minus the suggestiveness of course) but on the other hand, it's the term that most people can appreciate. 

Superstar. This one is just really embarrassing. Someone clicks on this video about a porn superstar. Is this like the James Deen of balloons? No, it's some random chick who has 20k youtube views and 800 facebook friends. I do understand the looner community is fairly small, so it is relative. But balloon porn star' would get more click throughs. However if the title is too deceptive, it will not result in likes and shares, preventing the video from going viral. This is my experience with youtube - and yes, I do more than just 'balloon porn' on youtube.

The Freakshow

The media’s aim is primarily to entertain people. To tell an interesting story. When something unusual comes up, media makes a freak show of it. This is something I worried about. Well, at least this is a little more respectable than Jerry Springer, that's for sure. 

There is no dressing up 'balloon fetish' to make it seem 'normal'. 'I pop balloons for sexual pleasure'. It sounds completely normal to me, but I have to take the perspective of the uninitiated. People are also fascinated by the weird. I have learned to capatalise on this myself as I've been considered an eccentric person for my whole life, but especially as a kid. This has little to do with the balloon fetish. This is another story, but the point is, I know how people deal with 'weirdos'. They are shunned publicly, but privately, there are some people that are fascinated by strange behaviour.  There are others that want to help you integrate into 'normal' society. I expect a similar experience if exposed to the 'normals'. It is these people that want to watch a freakshow which generates the clicks and views. I know the other side too - I like to watch a good freakshow too. It is possible to do so without losing respect for other humans.

Having said that, Vice and WFP walked the fine line of entertainment and education very well. WFP did not go out of their way to make this exploitative. They dealt with it as if the balloon fetish was just an unusual thing that not many people know about.

I am curious to watch the impact it has on non looners, and especially non-fetishists. I could have a look at the tweets which linked to it, as well as comments on Vice's tumblr, and the negative reacts were basically 'lol no thanks', 'weird' and one 'lol attention seeking'. Most of the response was simply retweeting or reblogging it, so I will assume that's a positive. However I doubt these people actually watched it, or watched the whole thing. I've found as a youtuber, there are a bunch of people that make comments based on the title and thumbnail only. I am interested to get some more in depth responses, so I can get into the minds of those who find it so strange that they would actively shame and humiliate a fetishist - so they can be countered. I would love it if fetishists can disclose to their partners the fetish without any stress and fear of rejection. I am so fucking lucky I have such an awesome guy, but in the future I won't be lucky, it will be standard.


I don't know whether to regret my decision or to be honoured to have my story told. It is a risk and it depends on the consequences. I could be making a massive fool out of myself to the point it impacts my relationships and the rest of my life. Or this is a chance to spread the message that some people are weird and different... but that's okay.

Finally, this experience resparked that initial thrill I got out of putting my balloon videos online. Just sitting back and observing 'the damage' - in other words, how different people react to it.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The Year of Questioning

This year has been quite interesting indeed.

Why? Because I think I have experienced sexual attraction to a human.

Yes, that's right. Am I cured of my fetish? The word 'fetish' is thrown around a bit these days. Go to a fetish night and you don't see people who are exclusively sexually attracted to objects. You see people dressed up in funny clothes practicing various unconventional but conventional sexual practices. But I am was only aroused by popping balloons, or sometimes by violence (the excitement from this is not always sexual, it's a bit more complicated than balloons). I had no interest in another human what so ever. I had a boyfriend when I was 17. For three years. Not interested (yes, there are a couple of exceptions, but that's a different long story.) There was one time I felt something towards a human.

First experience resembling sexual attraction

It was a guy named Paul. He was my opponent in (mixed gender) netball. I was goal keeper, he was shooter. I'm not usually a good goal keeper because I hate being so close to strangers. But not this guy. He was a bit unfit and it was easy to intercept the ball when it was thrown to him. He'd make that disappointed grunt when he missed. I liked it, so I tried even harder for more. I kept having these thoughts about how much I'd like to push him over. Then as the game was ending, I thought about how I'd like to push him into the wall using my body. And it was a bit arousing.

When I declared myself asexual, I said to myself that if I found someone slightly attractive I would go for it. if I have the urge to have sex with someone, I will try to see if they are available. But as I was walking away from that netball game I thought 'shit, maybe I imagine sexual attraction wrongly'. I thought that maybe I will think 'gee, wouldn't it be a good idea to stick their dick in my pussy'. But here I was thinking about how I'd like to hurt him. So perhaps that's some sadism. Or perhaps domination. Maybe that's what I have to look out for. So next time we play this netball team, I tell his team mate that I am keen on him and see if he's up for it. So time to wait for the next time we play Musos not netballers.

The time came around, and I was getting nervous. Time to go for it. But Paul did not show up. Never saw him again. But it did leave me with the experience that I could perhaps experience attraction to another human.

Experimentation time

I don't really know how or why I decided that this would be a good idea, but I thought about meeting people from craigslist for a 'casual encounter'. Well, maybe I do. I was trying to explain to someone about my asexuality. I was saying that people I got to know became sexually repulsive. In the way that family members are sexually repulsive. It happened to my boyfriend. But strangers are neither attractive nor repulsive. But they are also scary. They could be rapists and murders. But I was in the mood for some thrill seeking. I spent a few months just looking at the ads. Then putting my own up and not replying. Eventually I met someone.

I gave my first blowjob. I didn't really feel anything sexual about it. It was more of a 'haha, just met a random person online and gave a bj! lololol aren't I soooo bad lol'. So it was exciting, but not sexual. Then I received oral. This was interesting. Physically, it felt better than masturbating and even riding a balloon. But at the same time, it felt no where near as good as sitting on a balloon and trying to pop it. It's hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot.

Trying to pop a balloon brings to a level of sexual arousal which I'd call an altered state of consciousness. I'm really in the moment. I am thinking about how good it feels to sit on this balloon and looking at how hot it looks when its stretching out and straining, about to pop. And how 'important' it is and how much I want to do it. Sometimes I get to the stage (rarely!) where I think 'shit, nothing could feel better'. It's hard to stop (until I get over it) and I forget about everything else.

Contrast it to being licked out. It feels pretty nice, and it stimulates the sexual organs better than a balloon. But I could take it or leave it. it's like 'sexual arousal. Good. Better than no sexual arousal'. But that's about it. It doesn't really matter much. Big deal. Eventually I started worrying about taking too long to have an orgasm, and I never did. I tried to finish myself off, but I couldn't. I even had a balloon with me, but it just wasn't the same. Overall, a good experience, but nothing transcendent. Just like many other activities one would do with a friend.

I met a few more people, and it was pretty much the same thing. I tried out both genders. No preference really. Adding balloons to the mix didn't really help either. But I had one 'weaker looking' guy. I was on top and felt him strain to push me off. I pushed back and held him down. That started to feel amazing. I didn't have an orgasm, but I got really turned on. I was pretty drunk though.

We meet our match

I met this one guy at his place. Nothing special. So far. In his emails, he said he was submissive. I actually can't remember very well what happened the first time. But it was arousing enough that I could finish myself off after. After about 10 or so partners, only the first guy I met (still see him :D), I have had orgasms with, using a vibrator. It's really not about the orgasm itself, but the ability to reach that plateau stage of arousal that feels so good.

I've been seeing this guy, D, often now. He can now make me orgasm himself. But in order to orgasm, I had to think about how much I wanted to pop a balloon. Not actually do it, but think about how much I wanted it.

I don't even remember when I actually started being attracted to him. But it went something like this. I'd sit next to him, just chatting. I'd think about how much I'd like to sit closer to him. Then I think about how good it would feel if he'd just touch me. Anywhere. Put his arm around me or something. Then once that's done, it starts getting sexual. I want him to touch my pussy. Then I want to rub it on his body. And so on. There is a progression for foreplay there.

With everyone else, it goes backwards. I need to rub my clit on them to start getting aroused. I don't want them to make out or do any of that unless I'm turned on enough. Once I am, then we can consider having them touch the rest of my body. Kissing them does nothing to me. It's all about the genitals. Kind of like masturbating. Don't get me wrong, who the person was mattered, but it had nothing to do with sexual pleasure itself, but for the comfort side of things. If I'm not relaxed, feel unsafe, etc it becomes sexual anxiety instead of sexual pleasure. No thanks.

But back to D. I have actually started wanting him. Not genital contact specifically, but him. I think about just lying on top of him and that gets me going. This is in the same sort of way I want to pop balloons. It's like there are different types of sex drives. One is just about building up and release. It's like a slightly better version of scratching an itch. I remember I felt sorry for people who were so obsessed with sex (like, the world) like it was some big deal. It's as if the whole world revolved around scratching an itch, there about 348239948 things better than scratching an itch in this world. Are they missing out or what? No, I'm just doin' it wrong, assuming I am straight.

But then there is attraction. You don't 'just an itch' attraction. But I think I am preaching to the choir here.

Now the question is, what am I more attracted to? Balloons or D? This is really a hard one to answer. If I were to answer in terms of which provides the most pleasure, D wins without a doubt, simply because I've combined attraction + better physical stimulation. But usually when I'm having an orgasm with him, I'm thinking about either balloons or something violent. Or something that isn't happening. I don't think that has to do with attraction though, but the habit of always masturbating to fantasy, and most importantly, orgasming to fantasy. I have sometimes 'fantasied' a copy of exactly what was going on in reality. So again, this is another issue. I wonder if others do this.

But if hes there, and a balloon is also there, I want him more. And interestingly enough, I have not relly included him in balloon play. Simply because it's just not crossing my mind all that often.

So, wtf happened?

I have little idea and I really don't want to discuss further details on specific people. I'm fairly open about myself in this 'anonymous' forum, but the limit is at trying to discuss why someone specific is sexually attractive and other people are not. Although it is a bit difficult when trying to write my feelings on being attracted to someone for the first time!

But attraction is not in our control. If it was, people would make less seemingly stupid decisions.

What next?

I honestly don't know. Currently, my mentality now is 'what is happening is good' and that's it. Worry about the rest later. But sexuality is a complicated thing. I don't know if I am now attracted to men. No, just one of them. Maybe I have a preference for one gender of another? I tend to prefer guys in the balloon popping vids, so that's a point in that direction. But I believe the gender divide has less to do with my own sexual preference and more a sociological thing. I tend to watch a girl one and think 'she's giving the audience what they want'. But if it's a guy, 'he's showing of the world what he wants'. Don't get me wrong this is one of my favourite vids.

I don't know if I will experience sexual attraction with someone else again. It can happen, maybe it will, maybe it won't.

But one thing has changed. I have been playing with balloons a lot less now. I still do mind you, but I'm not up for filming it and all that jazz. But I suppose there is a difference. The good thing with balloons is I don't have to worry about how they feel. The bad thing about balloons is that I don't have to worry about how they feel...

Friday, 21 December 2012

3 Most Arousing Fetish Pics

Here is a list of three pictures that I found the most physically arousing in my lifetime.

These are pictures that in the past, have taken me from zero to hero. By that I mean starting off not really in the mood, see the picture and then wham! my genitals are about to explode off, like the blood has rushed there.

But things need to be kept new and exciting for that effect, so these pictures no longer have such an effect on me.

Number Three:

I was at work, sitting in some room taking a break and looking at my looner facebook friend feed on my phone. And this picture popped up. Wow, I didn't know what to do with myself because I was at work, not home on my comp.

Number Two:

This was another picture on my looner facebook feed. I eventually found that this was a screenshot from a video, and I found it! I also want to try out that balloon. When I see pictures with balloons, I want to try them out immediately, but not so for inflatables. This is one big difference in my play preference and my watching preference. But I fapped so much thinking about this picture.

Number One:

The master of hot pics. This probably has to do with it being the first 'porn' that I actually got aroused by and masturbated to. I accidentally found it on fuck.org. I actually didn't understand what I was attracted to and what was going on. I tried looking at porn with black men (not common in where I live in Australia). No, none are arousing. This fella has a nice body, so toned men maybe?  Looks very nice, but not sexually exciting. But thinking about this scene got me hot as very easily for the next few days. I was at uni, and I was trying hard not to think about it. It was difficult as I was much more sexually 'repressed' compared to now. I only just started actually masturbating. Perhaps that's what caused the intensity of the arousal? 

I had a few fantasies, or things I would imagine. First, what it would feel like being that guy. How I'd rub my dick into the inflatable. Or both of us on there, putting more weight onto the penguin, so it expands and is about to pop. I don't know when it happened, but eventually I dared to look up balloon and inflatable fetish stuff. And THAT was not boring.

I later found that this image was taken during a video recording. The video wasn't actually that good... compared to my imagination. I think it's because his facial expression and body posture make it look like he's enjoying it more than he actually is.

I only posted the pictures I have found the most arousing. Videos, on the other hand, would be much more difficult to pick which are the best.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Blowing It! ~ Tim Popper. TGL reviews looner fiction.

So, I have read a book called Blowing It! by Tim Popper. You can get it from Amazon here. Only two bux on the kindle. You can get a kindle app for free if you don't have a kindle e-reader. Yes, I recently started getting into e-books as you can probably tell. But I digress.

Isn't it awesome how a looner's last name just happens to be popper? What if he was a non popper, that would be awks. Okay, that was bad I know. Let us get on with this review!


It's basically told from the perspective of two characters in the third person. Henry, who has an excellent marriage to his wife of 25 years, Bonnie. Henry has a balloon fetish, and the couple use it to spice up their sex life. The other is Melanie, who is single and looking for a partner. She also has a balloon fetish. One day her friend films her playing with balloons and puts it on youtube. And guess who finds it? You guessed it. Mr. Happily Married. And he recognizes her as a waitress at a cafe he visits regularly. What happens next...


I'd consider this book an erotic (auto)biographical fantasy. The events are actually quite mundane, but I suppose erotic fiction is if you look at it that way.  This book did feel like it was written by somebody like Henry rather than Melanie and I can't put my finger on why exactly.  But perhaps I am biased, assuming Tim Popper is a guy and it is stated he has a balloon fetish. I do think both characters were fairly realistic in their portrayal and the portrayal of the balloon fetish was excellent - in my opinion!

I found the book easy to read, and enjoyed reading it. I read it on the train to work (probably not the best idea) and in bed (a very good idea). I really cannot critique beyond 'I liked reading it'. I am used to reviewing academic papers, not works of fiction. While I liked the book, it may not be so interesting for those who have little interest in the balloon fetish. But for those that do, great. For looners, it appeals on two levels.

1. Erotic content. There are sex 'scenes' between Henry and Bonnie. With balloons involved. There is also balloon play with Melanie. I personally found it mildly arousing but I wasn't creaming my pants.

2. Looner issues. Main one is how to deal with relationship when you have a fetish from both a male and female point of view. For example, Bonnie was willing to have balloons in the bedroom, but banned popping because she was afraid. Although I would have liked to see more non-looner people in the book react to the fetish upon accidentally finding out about it. This did happen, but I would have liked someone from Harry's work find out and read about how it is dealt with. As a fetishist, I am interested in how non fetishists would react. Also the second issue, which is the one I was interested in, is coming into contact with another fetishist for the first time. This is what kept me reading. Will Henry and Melanie meet? How would they feel about it? Would the wife mind? Will she know about it?

For non looners, this book shows the reader what is arousing about balloons and how a fetishist might see them. The book was slightly educational in this regard without being too overbearing. I did find the idea that Henry was also sexually attracted to his wife without balloons probably hammered in a bit too much, but perhaps it was needed. This may be a good book for partners of fetishists.


Decent book, was easy to read and I liked it. Worth mah too bux. But it's not the next 50 Shades of Grey (I haven't even read it) but I recommend it. I believe on Amazon you can preview the first chapter so you can find out for yourself if you like the writing style, etc. Ha, would be funny if this book did actually blow up if it got a larger audience, then I take my words back.

Friday, 17 August 2012

'ABC' Substitute Pop Psychology and Ridicule for Quality Articles

So, Looners substitute balloons for love, sex and intimacy? What a total misunderstanding of a fetish if I ever seen one.

Anyway, lets discuss this article in greater detail. Quotes from the article in grey italics.

For children, balloons can make the heart soar, but when an adult tucks his balloons into bed at night, he could be considered a "looner."

Excellent, children are brought into the picture. Anyway, I'm going to assume this line is just an interesting hook for the reader, and nothing sinister implied about looners here. Balloons are a party decoration.

Loving balloons seems harmless enough, but Dr. Rebecca Beaton, director and founder of the Stress Management Institute, said attachment to objects can be considered a mental illness if it interferes with daily life or causes great stress.

Firstly, Dr. Rebecca Beaton. Looking her up, she specialises in anxiety disorders. I wonder why this journalist did not consult an expert in sexual fetishes or paraphillia? It probably has something to do with her links with TV, such as Fox News. No matter, a clinician will have extensive experience with those with mental illness of some kind or another, not your every day kinky couple. One who specialises in anxiety disorders will see those whose anxiety is ruining their lives and their fetish may be causing some of this anxiety. This is like comparing people who are in rehab for drug addiction to those who take stimulants every now and again when they go clubbing. Sure, there is overlap, but the reasons for drug taking are completely different. Some people have a great deal of pain in their lives, and some people just want to feel good.

This [people seeing a psychologist for therapy] is a specific subset of the population – which David Collins or Chris Burney may or may not be part of. Also, those two people's experience does not apply to every other looner out there, such as myself either. Stop. Generalizing!

Next. Yes, a fetish can be considered a mental illness. The key words here from the DSM are cause clinically significant distress. Usually the problem is if the fetish object is required for sexual arousal. Sex partners usually don't like this, so it causes relationship problems. However I believe the majority of looners are also equally, if not more, attracted to regular sex, be it straight, gay or bi. But some of us, including myself do require balloons. For many people balloons, and other fetish objects and activities, like BDSM, are a kink and is considered a healthy sex life. I don't see Dr. Beaton commenting on the sadomasochism found in 50 Shades of Grey (mind you, I have not read the book, so I don't know much about it). But lets hear about people substituting pain for love and intimacy? 

I haven't got time to sit around to research and report on fetishes as a psychiatric disorder. Wikipedia has a discussion on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia Interesting to note is the bit on optional, preferred and exclusive paraphillia.

"I presume he has some difficulty with relationships with other people if he has a balloon under his shirt," said Beaton, who has never treated Dave. 

Emphasis mine. Well yeah, people who put balloons under their shirts because it feels nice are freaks... that's what the NetGeo segment and this article insinuates! I don't know if he has problems... should ask him. Not only has Dr. Beaton not treated Dave, she has not spoken to him, let alone conducted any sort of clinical interview. She just watched a 1 minute video.

"It feels like intimacy but it's not a real human and humans can hurt you," she said. "It's safer with an inanimate object … They don't feel so alone." 

I don't know how stereotypical this comment is, it's like it came straight from a pop psychology book. Well balloons can hurt Dave... when they pop. So that's not true. But this is not the reason people have fetishes. Or in Dave's case, a non sexual fetish. I can only speak for myself, but it has nothing to do with intimacy, love and loneliness. In my case, for some reason, I feel sexually attracted to balloons. I do not feel attached to them. I watch videos of people sitting on balloons, and I get aroused. I sit and bounce on balloons until they pop and hump them to orgasm. Specific types of balloons are more 'sexy' than others.  I started feeling sexually attracted either before or during puberty. It is unknown how fetishes form, but there are several theories on sexual development. Again, wikipedia it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fetishism for some of them. But this has nothing do with turning to balloons (or any other fetish object) from the lack of intimacy from humans. In my case, am simply not sexually attracted to humans. And it feels like sexual pleasure, not like intimacy. However I do not know what it's like to have a non sexual fetish so perhaps it applies to that as there seems to be attachment involved. Again, simply asking would answer our questions and put an end to this pop psych speculation.

Honestly this is like saying “Gay men are attracted to other men because they can't get it with women and don't feel alone”.

"A fetish is when a person prefers an object to a live person, and it becomes a requirement for a sexual response" 

You fail the exam. Read the DSM. Even the psychiatric classification of fetish does not state that it is a requirement for a sexual response, as discussed above. I know for a fact this does not apply to Chris and his partner. And 'prefer' means 'prefer for sexual activity'. Intimacy =/= sexual activity (unless talking about sexual intimacy specifically).

What Christopher really wants is to share his love of balloons with a woman.
And that, says psychologist Beaton, is exactly the point. Attractions to objects like balloons are often just "coping mechanisms."
Okay, wtf? A coping mechanism? For what? And get with the news... Chris has a girlfriend which he shares his love of balloons... and love of her with. This would be known if the author simply attempted to contact him.

"They are using the balloons to fill the need for intimacy," she said. "We try to help them find other ways of getting those intimacy needs met and helping them to realize that they can self-soothe and gradually start to change." 

Oh right, this lack of intimacy again. Message:

If there is an issue with a lack of intimacy, the fetish may be a cause rather than the lack of intimacy causing a fetish.  That's what I am reading from this article “sexual fetishes is caused by a lack of intimacy with humans' and 'fetishes are for loners'. [Although I have to lol at how similar the words looner and loner are!!] This is just stupid and a gross generalization of a diverse range of people.

When I am feeling lonely or anxious, I don't jump on those balloons for some soothing. Perhaps she thinks people masturbate when they are feeling lonely in order to feel better. Hey, maybe some people do, who knows? But I thought people fapped when they are horny. Perhaps I am wrong here. Ahem. I certainly 'pleasure myself with balloons' when I'm in the mood. When I'm stressed, anxious, and feeling depressed, I'm rarely in the room.  I don't get any feeling of intimacy with balloons, I just get sexual pleasure and a lot of it. People get sexual pleasure from all sorts of other things, it's a normal variation on human behaviour.

I am attracted to balloons and I don't know why and you don't either. Don't pretend you do.

Monday, 2 July 2012

How the Looner Community Influences your Fetish

So I was reading about Newphiles and Truephiles. I myself started drafting a post about 'who is a real looner?' but this post got me thinking on another tangent.That is: What influence the looner community has on my own fetish.

I believe my first exposure to others (aside from fetish porn) was the UK Looners forum. At the time, you did not have to join to be a member, so I didn't for a long time. I think this was about in 2007-2008. I actually decided to join in 2010, and I also started uploading some of my videos to youtube then too. This put me in contact with other looners for the first time. And a lot has changed since then!

The biggest problem is that for the first 20 years of my life, I was denying the fetish and I did not purposely pursuiting it. Balloons popping was scary + 'masturbating is disgusting' = balloon cock block. At this time, it was sitting on balloons and inflatables. I liked to see others do the same. This is just from experiences of not intentionally sexual games involving balloons and inflatables. You can read a few examples in my previous post. Then I found the 'porn'. I basically liked to watch people ride balloons. I can't remember what I was searching 'sitting on balloons' or 'humping balloons'. I knew what I liked, so I searched for it. With these videos, I liked sitting and riding on balloons while watching others do the same. So this was when I was not in contact with any other looner, although there were video comments on youtube. I don't think I've even heard of the term 'looner' at this stage. I can't remember if I came across it on the videos. This was more something I found on the forums.

Then I joined UK looners. Started making my own youtube videos and later on made a looner facebook account. And I have messaged with a lot of looners now as well as viewed and participated in public discussion on the fetish. And I am still aroused by sitting on and riding balloons, and watching others do it, nothing has changed there! I am even still nervous and get startled by the pop. But there have been some changes.

The biggest 'change' I think is the development of balloon preference. In the beginning, it didn't matter what type of balloon I had. Maybe I just varied the amount of inflation, usually preferring under inflated. I was also embarrassed to buy balloons until recently. Still kind of am, but most of the shopping I do is online anyway. But I got what I got basically. But people were talking about Qualatex and Tuff Tex and I had no idea what they were on about. And I really didn't care much either. But with balloons from the supermarket, I did have a preference. These balloons were softer, but contained enough air pressure and had more neck then the other two or so brands they have. Whatever, they just felt better to sit on. So going by that, I decided I would shop around online for different brands. I discussed what would be a good non popping balloon. And I put in my order for a variety of balloons. I also started paying attention to the type of balloons used in videos. Indeed, some balloons were 'sexier ' than others.

The attraction to the neck is something else introduced by the community. Kind of. Part of my attraction to balloons is the way they are deformed before they pop. But there must also be the increase in air pressure, so a greatly under inflated balloon won't do. Part of this deformation is more air in the neck. Although I didn't actually pay attention to this until people were talking about it.

The most important influence is confidence and acceptance. Nobody has said anything directly to me, but simply interacting with others about the fetish made me accept it as part of me. Yeah, I know that I should not have to rely on others to validate my feelings. But should not, could not, would not - whatever this is the way it is and I think this is the way humans operate whether we like it or not. Although it is hard to say exactly what influence the community had on this vs my own maturity. For example, the acknowledgement that 'I am sexually attracted to balloons' came about because of maturity (I use the word 'maturity' in the sense that it is something that has developed over time NOT as a synonym for wisdom). But the 'I am sexually attracted to balloons and that's okay', I think the community had a part to play.

So, those are the ways in which exposure to other looners have influenced me. How has it influenced your fetish? Would you be doing the same things if you thought you were alone? And what were you doing when you did think you were alone - when did you find out there were others?

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Development of a Balloon Fetish

I think I'll try to answer the most frequently asked question I get, and that is how did my fetish start, when can I first remember it, etc.

Well I am not entirely sure as I cannot remember a single time where I was like 'hmmm, balloons now turn me on!'. Anyway, I'll discuss events in my life which I think were indicative of a fetish. And sit back, it is a very long story!

First memory with balloons was in kinder. I would have been about 5 years old. I visited a boys house with my parents. I didn't like this boy because he was obsessed with pinching everyone at kinder or child care, I can't remember which it was. His name was Damion. I remember those two facts about him. Anyway, he was in a room full of balloons. Next thing I remember him chasing me around with a balloon to my ear. I was terrified.

Next memory was a year later in prep when I learned the lesson of the straw that broke the camel's back. First, the teacher read a story about this bike. People and animals piled onto the bike until it broke. I think in the story, a really heavy animal got on last, and it broke. The teacher asked why it broke, and we replied because the animal was heavy. The teacher said nuh uh, it's because there was too many things on it. She is going to prove it. Then she brings out balloons and I'm already scared. She tips a table upside down on the balloons. None pop. Then the teacher, who is the heaviest person in the class gets on and no balloons pop. One by one, all the kids get on the table. I watch terrified, as the balloons get more and more squashed, and they started popping. I can't remember if/when I got on the table. I do remember sitting there covering my ears, but I couldn't stop watching, but very scared.
Next memories. I had a balloon at home for some reason. I don't know what age these were, but I remember the room (was the rumpus room) was set up as a playroom, and I remember it not being set up that way when I was 11. So my age could have been anywhere between 6-11. I was sitting on a barely inflated yellow balloon and mum saw and asked something like 'are you playing with your body' in Hungarian. I don't remember the exact wording and I remember being confused about what she asked. But I knew it was something along the lines of 'are you doing something you should not be doing' and it was a little disturbing. Next one was sitting on a bigger blue balloon because it felt nice. I can't remember if it was sexually stimulating or it was just comfy. Either way, I had little concept of sexual arousal. This time, with the doors closed. The balloon popped, which was not intended. One of my parents was annoyed and said something like 'were you too rough with the balloon?'.

Next memory is in my room. Don't know how old I was. I'd say puberty age. Puberty happened at 11. This time, I had a balloon hidden in my closet, and I would pull it out and straddle it. And this time, it was feeling really good. But it might be that I'm attributing my current feelings onto the memory. But following the pleasure principle, I would not do something that could potentially pop a balloon unless it felt good. I don't much remember my attitude to this. Anything related to sex was disgusting. Masturbating was disgusting (I can't remember when I learned about it) and being gay was even more disgusting. I will make another post about my 'psychosexual development' which involved more than balloons. So I don't know if I knew what I was doing was a sexual thing but I knew it was something that should be hidden. Unlike boys, girls don't get an obvious sign like an erection. I don't know how often I did this. I think whenever I happened to have a balloon, which I'd never go out of my way to get. I'd avoid balloons if there were at parties.

Next bits were around when I was 12. It was at a friends birthday party, which his older sisters organised. We were going to play murder in the dark or some sort of game like that. The room had a lot of balloons in it, and we had to pop them to find who will play what role on a paper inside. I was too scared to pop one, so one of the sisters helped, and she popped it by sitting on it. It took a few bounces for it to pop. I liked watching the balloon. I can't remember if I actually dared to pop one myself like that, but I would have liked to. I think this was a pink balloon. I was also part of a group called Moppets with a friend. It was basically an after school group where we played organised games. One session involved popping all these balloons. On one hand, I wanted to sit pop them, but on the other hand, I was scared. Noticing my discomfort, one of the organizers explained that I don't have to pop any balloons and I could leave the room. I can't remember what happened, I think I left.

Also during this time, I started to have dreams where I was sitting on balloons and it actually felt nice in the dream. I remember feeling apprehensive about this. It is as if at the back of my brain, I knew I was sexually attracted to balloons even without having a concept of attraction. This made me uncomfortable. As I was getting older, playing games like passing balloons between the knees was really making me uncomfortable, and it wasn't because I was afraid they would pop. I was also feeling the same way about inflatables except to a lesser extent. When I was 13, inflatable chairs were in. I was not going to sit in one.

When I was about 15-16, I was at a friends party at the wave pool. There was a giant inflatable thing in the pool that you could run off and jump in. But we were playing some game where you actually had to hump your way, I kid you not, to the end into the water. Like as in you straddle the inflatable, lift yourself up and move forward. It was easy to slip and fall into the water. On my turn, I immediately fell into the water like 'whoops, I'm so clumsy I lose'. I remember thinking 'at times like this, I'm glad I'm not a boy' because I would have had a big fat boner. I also thought this activity was clearly sexual, and how on earth were the others getting involved so readily.

When I was about 20, this is where everything started to unravel. By this time, I was okay with my sexuality. I identified as asexual. Masturbation fantasies were about torturing someone in specific ways, or it was about imagining myself as a male. Rub the clit, that was the head of the penis. The labia were the balls, etc. More about this will go into that psychosexual post. I think I only started masturbating at 19. I had a boyfriend before that. Anyway, I was working at our local milkbar, and I read the mags when there are no customers. I was reading Cosmo. I come across this page which said something like 'balloon sex'. I got a shock, closed the mag and put it away. Biggest regret ever. When I dared to go find the article, that issue was gone. It might not have actually been about the balloon fetish. Now, searching the term 'balloon sex' resulted in hits not related to the fetish so maybe it wasn't. I will never know now. The article did have pictures of balloons though.

Next, I was looking at shock sites, you know goatse and the like. I stumbled across fuck.org. I load up the page and there is this well toned guy straddling a huge purple translucent inflatable penguin. And I thought the blood was going to explode right out of my genitals I was so turned on. I'd never been so turned on in my life. This arousal was different. Usually if I get turned on, it is because I start masturbating, then get turned on, not the other way around. It was very rare when that happened. This time, something else felt good, but I can't really explain it. Like I wanted something here, but I didn't know what. OMG I think it is sexual desire. I thought it was the man. He was African black (lol sounds funny), and there were not many Africans around my part, in Australia. So I thought it must be black guys. Shit, I'm just really racist! I frantically look for black guy porn, but none of it has the same effect. I had no interest in having sex with that guy when thinking about it. If he jumped out the screen, I'd still say no. But I'd masturbate to imagining myself as the guy humping the penguin for several days. As soon as I thought about the picture, I'd get turned on. It happened while I was at uni, even at lectures. I couldn't wait to get home for a wank.

I don't know how long it took to click that it was the fucking penguin, not the man! And that I would love to do it to a balloon, like in those dreams. Later, I went to a gaming convention and got some balloons there. Three uninflated promotional balloons. When no one was home, I inflated one, but didn't tie it off and sat on it. Then I humped it, and it was kind of like a 'finally!' moment. Although at the same time, I felt stupid. I'd be riding this balloon and it feels great. And then I think 'lol I am masturbating with a balloon'. I still did not want to admit there was something special about balloons. I'd start on the pillow, but of course I didn't think the pillow was stupid. I had these balloons for a while, and I'd sneak them under the doona very under inflated.

My 21st birthday was a good excuse to get balloons. I actually don't remember having balloons at the party, or maybe there was just a few hung up and that's it. But I took the remaining bag and hid them in my room. When nobody was home, I'd blow one up and grind on it until it pops or until I have an orgasm. If it didn't pop, I'd quickly knife it to get rid of it. I was too embarrassed to go get a pack from the supermarket, because omg someone might read my mind! Or ask me what they are for. Which is silly, no one asks me about all the other shit I buy. I've also gone to Toy' R Us, a large toy shop to get their charity balloons. They ask you at the register if you'd like to buy one, and can't say no to charity, right? These are 16”, and I was very excited to get on it. Unfortunately it popped fast.

I can't remember when I decided to actually search on the internet for 'balloon fetish', I think it was sometime at the end of 2007. I searched on youtube and I actually found videos! I couldn't believe it. Back then , I don't think there was much. I remember ridzel and lonelylooner666 as the main channels. This was important, as this was a supply of 'porn'. Actual porn never did interest me, except that one penguin picture. I later found commercial sites and the uk looners forum. You could read the forum without joining it, so I never did join until like 2010 when I decided to introduce myself. I later found the penguin picture actually comes from balloon-guys.com and it was from a video.

So it took me a very long time to admit was attracted to balloons and that's an okay thing. I am still unsure of my sexual orientation outside of balloons. I still have not felt any attraction towards anyone. BUT I do find specific people popping/riding balloons etc more attractive than others so maybe there is something there. But this is more of a preference for seeing such a person pop a balloon than to do any sort of non fetish related sexual activity with.

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