Thursday, 8 August 2013

The Year of Questioning

This year has been quite interesting indeed.

Why? Because I think I have experienced sexual attraction to a human.

Yes, that's right. Am I cured of my fetish? The word 'fetish' is thrown around a bit these days. Go to a fetish night and you don't see people who are exclusively sexually attracted to objects. You see people dressed up in funny clothes practicing various unconventional but conventional sexual practices. But I am was only aroused by popping balloons, or sometimes by violence (the excitement from this is not always sexual, it's a bit more complicated than balloons). I had no interest in another human what so ever. I had a boyfriend when I was 17. For three years. Not interested (yes, there are a couple of exceptions, but that's a different long story.) There was one time I felt something towards a human.

First experience resembling sexual attraction

It was a guy named Paul. He was my opponent in (mixed gender) netball. I was goal keeper, he was shooter. I'm not usually a good goal keeper because I hate being so close to strangers. But not this guy. He was a bit unfit and it was easy to intercept the ball when it was thrown to him. He'd make that disappointed grunt when he missed. I liked it, so I tried even harder for more. I kept having these thoughts about how much I'd like to push him over. Then as the game was ending, I thought about how I'd like to push him into the wall using my body. And it was a bit arousing.

When I declared myself asexual, I said to myself that if I found someone slightly attractive I would go for it. if I have the urge to have sex with someone, I will try to see if they are available. But as I was walking away from that netball game I thought 'shit, maybe I imagine sexual attraction wrongly'. I thought that maybe I will think 'gee, wouldn't it be a good idea to stick their dick in my pussy'. But here I was thinking about how I'd like to hurt him. So perhaps that's some sadism. Or perhaps domination. Maybe that's what I have to look out for. So next time we play this netball team, I tell his team mate that I am keen on him and see if he's up for it. So time to wait for the next time we play Musos not netballers.

The time came around, and I was getting nervous. Time to go for it. But Paul did not show up. Never saw him again. But it did leave me with the experience that I could perhaps experience attraction to another human.

Experimentation time

I don't really know how or why I decided that this would be a good idea, but I thought about meeting people from craigslist for a 'casual encounter'. Well, maybe I do. I was trying to explain to someone about my asexuality. I was saying that people I got to know became sexually repulsive. In the way that family members are sexually repulsive. It happened to my boyfriend. But strangers are neither attractive nor repulsive. But they are also scary. They could be rapists and murders. But I was in the mood for some thrill seeking. I spent a few months just looking at the ads. Then putting my own up and not replying. Eventually I met someone.

I gave my first blowjob. I didn't really feel anything sexual about it. It was more of a 'haha, just met a random person online and gave a bj! lololol aren't I soooo bad lol'. So it was exciting, but not sexual. Then I received oral. This was interesting. Physically, it felt better than masturbating and even riding a balloon. But at the same time, it felt no where near as good as sitting on a balloon and trying to pop it. It's hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot.

Trying to pop a balloon brings to a level of sexual arousal which I'd call an altered state of consciousness. I'm really in the moment. I am thinking about how good it feels to sit on this balloon and looking at how hot it looks when its stretching out and straining, about to pop. And how 'important' it is and how much I want to do it. Sometimes I get to the stage (rarely!) where I think 'shit, nothing could feel better'. It's hard to stop (until I get over it) and I forget about everything else.

Contrast it to being licked out. It feels pretty nice, and it stimulates the sexual organs better than a balloon. But I could take it or leave it. it's like 'sexual arousal. Good. Better than no sexual arousal'. But that's about it. It doesn't really matter much. Big deal. Eventually I started worrying about taking too long to have an orgasm, and I never did. I tried to finish myself off, but I couldn't. I even had a balloon with me, but it just wasn't the same. Overall, a good experience, but nothing transcendent. Just like many other activities one would do with a friend.

I met a few more people, and it was pretty much the same thing. I tried out both genders. No preference really. Adding balloons to the mix didn't really help either. But I had one 'weaker looking' guy. I was on top and felt him strain to push me off. I pushed back and held him down. That started to feel amazing. I didn't have an orgasm, but I got really turned on. I was pretty drunk though.

We meet our match

I met this one guy at his place. Nothing special. So far. In his emails, he said he was submissive. I actually can't remember very well what happened the first time. But it was arousing enough that I could finish myself off after. After about 10 or so partners, only the first guy I met (still see him :D), I have had orgasms with, using a vibrator. It's really not about the orgasm itself, but the ability to reach that plateau stage of arousal that feels so good.

I've been seeing this guy, D, often now. He can now make me orgasm himself. But in order to orgasm, I had to think about how much I wanted to pop a balloon. Not actually do it, but think about how much I wanted it.

I don't even remember when I actually started being attracted to him. But it went something like this. I'd sit next to him, just chatting. I'd think about how much I'd like to sit closer to him. Then I think about how good it would feel if he'd just touch me. Anywhere. Put his arm around me or something. Then once that's done, it starts getting sexual. I want him to touch my pussy. Then I want to rub it on his body. And so on. There is a progression for foreplay there.

With everyone else, it goes backwards. I need to rub my clit on them to start getting aroused. I don't want them to make out or do any of that unless I'm turned on enough. Once I am, then we can consider having them touch the rest of my body. Kissing them does nothing to me. It's all about the genitals. Kind of like masturbating. Don't get me wrong, who the person was mattered, but it had nothing to do with sexual pleasure itself, but for the comfort side of things. If I'm not relaxed, feel unsafe, etc it becomes sexual anxiety instead of sexual pleasure. No thanks.

But back to D. I have actually started wanting him. Not genital contact specifically, but him. I think about just lying on top of him and that gets me going. This is in the same sort of way I want to pop balloons. It's like there are different types of sex drives. One is just about building up and release. It's like a slightly better version of scratching an itch. I remember I felt sorry for people who were so obsessed with sex (like, the world) like it was some big deal. It's as if the whole world revolved around scratching an itch, there about 348239948 things better than scratching an itch in this world. Are they missing out or what? No, I'm just doin' it wrong, assuming I am straight.

But then there is attraction. You don't 'just an itch' attraction. But I think I am preaching to the choir here.

Now the question is, what am I more attracted to? Balloons or D? This is really a hard one to answer. If I were to answer in terms of which provides the most pleasure, D wins without a doubt, simply because I've combined attraction + better physical stimulation. But usually when I'm having an orgasm with him, I'm thinking about either balloons or something violent. Or something that isn't happening. I don't think that has to do with attraction though, but the habit of always masturbating to fantasy, and most importantly, orgasming to fantasy. I have sometimes 'fantasied' a copy of exactly what was going on in reality. So again, this is another issue. I wonder if others do this.

But if hes there, and a balloon is also there, I want him more. And interestingly enough, I have not relly included him in balloon play. Simply because it's just not crossing my mind all that often.

So, wtf happened?

I have little idea and I really don't want to discuss further details on specific people. I'm fairly open about myself in this 'anonymous' forum, but the limit is at trying to discuss why someone specific is sexually attractive and other people are not. Although it is a bit difficult when trying to write my feelings on being attracted to someone for the first time!

But attraction is not in our control. If it was, people would make less seemingly stupid decisions.

What next?

I honestly don't know. Currently, my mentality now is 'what is happening is good' and that's it. Worry about the rest later. But sexuality is a complicated thing. I don't know if I am now attracted to men. No, just one of them. Maybe I have a preference for one gender of another? I tend to prefer guys in the balloon popping vids, so that's a point in that direction. But I believe the gender divide has less to do with my own sexual preference and more a sociological thing. I tend to watch a girl one and think 'she's giving the audience what they want'. But if it's a guy, 'he's showing of the world what he wants'. Don't get me wrong this is one of my favourite vids.

I don't know if I will experience sexual attraction with someone else again. It can happen, maybe it will, maybe it won't.

But one thing has changed. I have been playing with balloons a lot less now. I still do mind you, but I'm not up for filming it and all that jazz. But I suppose there is a difference. The good thing with balloons is I don't have to worry about how they feel. The bad thing about balloons is that I don't have to worry about how they feel...

1 comment:

  1. Grim being a looner I find it hard telling my girlfriend about balloons! I would really like to talk about and meet female looner who don't mind sex and balloon play I love how you play with balloons its especially fun n awesome to see a beautiful girl like you playing with balloons
    Hope to hear from you drop me a message